I was thinking yesterday morning of my an emerging friendship with someone at the gym where I daily work out; of my friend Jeremy who has a birthday today; of my friend Kurt who sent an email offering an opinion which challenged an opinion I previous held; of my friend Becky which whom I correspond daily via email and who is also the editor of these blogs; of my visit last weekend with various family members in Oklahoma including my brother-in-law Carl of whom I wrote one day this week. Various other new and old friends – some living and some now physically dead - have visited my mind the past couple of days.
All of these friends have something in common. They all love me unconditionally and they all tickle my mind – directly or indirectly challenge me to think outside the tiny boxes and labels into which I frequently put myself and/or others that I know.
It is interesting to me that one of the first questions we humans - at least in this period of history – frequently ask each other after meeting is “What do you do?” as if that is going to tell us something important about the person. Of course, it does not tell us anything at all. A person might say that he or she is cleric of some religion. That tells me mothering important about the person. We all know clerics who have struggled with addictions and other conditions, which keep them from being present to their God, themselves or anyone else. Most of us have had the experience of a door person, a cleaner or a store clerk giving us a smile that changed a depressing or drear day to one in which we could see the rain as my friend Becky says, is liquid sunshine.
Some company employs my friend Jeremy, but I always forget exactly what they do. How then do I know who Jeremy is? He is a person who happens to be male, who is passionate about how he loves, how he writes and how he plays/performs music. He is a good friend on whom I can always count.
My friend John was a professor and head of a drama department at a university. Now he works as a legal editor. His vocation is as an actor. Who he his is a very loving man who has a courage to grow emotionally and spiritually, to really enjoy good food and traveling.
My friend Becky has a PhD, has worked at the college level, has worked as a principal and then head of a private school and for the past six years has written, taught and been a full time Aunty Mom. We email with each other daily, visit when we can and constantly challenged each other to think. She is a dear friend on whom I can always count. She places love and friends about all else.
My earliest friends and mentors were authors who I only met through the books they wrote. I lived in an otherwise very tiny world. I attended a country regional school, which was many miles from where we lived. We occasionally visited neighbors but the closest ones required a considerable walk. I would also occasionally get to visit my grandparents or my favorite aunt and uncle. Authors comforted me and challenged me.
I could go on and on about the many good people in my life – both living and dead. If I talked even a little about all of them I would end up with a book length blog!
I wish I could say that I have always appreciated them and honored our relationships no mater how often I moved or how far away I was geographically. Sadly, there were periods in my early life when I did not appreciate and honor all my friendships over time. Sometimes there was such emotional turmoil in my life that I “forgot” to keep in touch. I have gotten better with than in later years but ….
All my friends and mentors have some qualities in common. They love well and have the courage to step outside of their comfort zone. They are also not fearful of challenging me to look at what I am thinking or doing. I never feel criticized or rebuked by them. They challenge me in a way which directly or indirectly allows me to know that they know and accept that we are all humans and that no matter how bright we are on the IQ scale we can be incredibly stupid. At least this human and all my friends can have sudden onset stupidity! That is not a big deal as long as we are willing to step back and learn from our “dis ease” of “temporary stupidity”.
Clearly, in my mind, who we are is not the same as what we do. Perhaps the more important question is how we live our life no matter what we are doing.
A friend of mine was recently in the hospital for a month. Most of the floor staff, whether they be paid to be a doctor, a janitor, a nurse, a care worker, a physical therapist, a worker in the cafeteria, or some other functionary were loving healers. A few were functionaries and missed showing up which led to decisions which were not helpful and which undoubtedly prolonged her stay in the hospital. Sadly, some of the least present staff were the ones who had the authority to make important decisions. One of the arguments I have had with colleagues over the years concerns a statement I have heard often among health care workers and others. The statement is, “He (occasionally she) is a good doctor but they do not have a good bedside manner.” That statement makes me crazy because it makes no sense to me. Part of being a good doctor is being a physician. If one looks up the work physician one finds in med.uottawa.ca:
In order to explain the meaning of physician, we must begin with the Latin word, physicum or physicus, and the French word, physique. All of these words mean remedy. In 1212, the Anglo-Normans appropriated these words to coin the word fisike or physic. Even though it is rarely used today, physic can still be found in any English dictionary to define medicine or remedy… "Medic" refers to healing. Mederi is to heal in Latin. Medicus was the Latin word for doctor; medicina was both a medication and healing.
When I think of physician I think of the terms remedy or healer. Both of these imply to me being able to be present to the person one is going to treat. That mean, at a minimum, they are meeting with a person with a history, a personality, and a body, which will speak to the physician. If the doctor is rushing from one person to the next he or she will not be able to make an accurate diagnosis or devise a helpful treatment plan. The failure to do this is, I think, costing the health care system in this country a lot of money.
If we want to correct a problem we have to diagnose it. Pretending as if a person who has an MD or a DO degree and has passed a licensing exam is a physician is not helpful or healthy for the patient for the doctor. Often the nurse, the orderly or the janitor is a more effective diagnostician or healer.
The physician who has treated me for a serious chronic illness since 1985 or 1986 is a deep spiritual man who is always present. It is his presence, which enable him to know me and to work with me to formulae an approach to treatment.
The person at the gym with whom I am building a friendship is culturally and religiously much different than I. Yet, we are the same man. We both are willing to embrace the other and to risk being emotionally and spiritually present to each other. If we based our relationship on shared religious beliefs or cultural backgrounds we would be very distant and might find it easy to be critical of the other.
My commitment is to continue practicing being present and staying open to who a person is and not treating them as a functionary. In other words my commitment is to take the risk of getting to know someone as this sacred person who worth loving. Of course, I am going to sometimes hear myself asking the standard question, “What do you do?” I hope I do this much less often than I used to and I hope that I catch myself sooner. Once again, I am reminded that I am a work in progress.
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